Childrens' birthday parties AKA natural birth control :)

Even the adults could get into the part fun!

Any of you young (or seasoned) parents that read this, don't get offended. I am just kidding (as you will soon see if you read all of this entry).  This past weekend, Elsa and I attended the 1st birthday party of the son of our very close friends.  Sidenote:  Happy Birthday Ben!  Elsa is his godmother and needless to say we (she) went a little crazy on the gifts (especially as he won't remember who gave him what).  The little guy made out like a bandit, let me tell you, but and I am saying this with all impartiality, he clearly liked the wooden hammer and peg set I got him the best :) 

    Since the guest of honor was still too young to be completely interactive, this mainly an adult get together (although kids of all ages were present).  The food was stellar, the conversation was lively, the cake was amazing, and the beers were cold.  In short, a good time was had by all.  Still, even though this was more of an adult socialization affair the ties of parenthood were very apparent.  From the close monitoring that Jack and the other young kids required to the special food for the older kids, it was clear that the lives of our friends had changed irrevocably in the past year. 
   Was it frightening to me?  Of course, but not for the reasons you are thinking.  I'm not overly afraid of losing sleep or freedom.  Don't get me wrong I LOVE to sleep and nap... but it seems like a sacrifice that can and will be made.  Besides EJ and I lived through internships with many crazy hours right?  As for freedom??? Please... we live fairly boring lives as it is...so the sacrifice won't be all that bad.  No, I think the scariest part is being "grown up" enough.  Seeing Liz and Bill (the loving parents) as well as other young moms and dads puts into stark contrast my own preparation.  In a lot of ways, I still feel like a kid with childlike priorities.  EJ and I spend most of our time and money on ourselves whether its playing video games, watching movies, working out and relatively small amount of time bettering the house or giving to others.  Sure we volunteer for youth group and keep the house relatively neat, but when was the last time I did a major project on the house or we did something to save money.  As of now, many of our finances are luxuries (cleaning ladies, lawn care staff, satellite radio, book clubs, dancing lessons), but it is hard to see how we will be able to give them up if a baby arrives.  Am I budgeting well for two?  If so, will I be able to balance the books for three or four (apparently twins run in EJ's family and we are at higher risk for reasons discussed later).  Will there be enough room in our small house with our zoo of pets? We are very comfortable financially, but raising a child takes so much.... I NEVER went without and don't want my children to either... can we live up to that.    In order to live up to that we will have to continue to work hard... which leads to my next fear.
    Will I have time for a baby?  This is a very real (sleep depriving) fear for me.  I am a fanatic about work, and while I have improved my time management skills since fighting cancer (giving myself days off occasionally), I still often work too long and get home late.  I want to go to baseball games, soccer games, plays, swimming lessons.  I do not want to be the absent dad moneymaker... will it be possible?  How?  My coworkers and friends say that it will just happen... but how?
    Will I screw my kid up?  EJ and I has enough neuroses to make our pets messed up... how about our first kid.  I surely will be overprotective and yet can I be firm enough when they make mistakes?  Will I be strong enough to defend them from a teacher, bully, or their own friends if necessary.  Will I be strong enough to take it if they "hate me" during the teenage years? Will I be strong enough to love them just as much if they are physically or mentally disabled or if they have an alternative life path?  My liberal soul hopes so.... but what if???
   I ask you, how do they do it?  How did my parents do it?  How does any intelligent, caring person have a child and not go insane?  What is the secret?  Is it the thousand parenting books ... and if so why do we need so many wouldn't one definitive book work better?   Parents, friends, coworkers??? Or are they as lost as I feel.
   And yet... despite all of these fears why do I want and need so badly to be a father.  Would it not be easier to just be DINKs (double income no kids), and enjoy the companionship of our furry friends as children?  Perhaps... especially for us.  You see after the lifesaving chemotherapy treatments  and surgeries it may likely be that natural pregnancy is a pipe dream for us.  More likely then not, we will have to spend hundreds if not thousands of dollars to have genetic children or spend thousands to adopt.  In addition, EJ will have to add several (possibly painful but thankfully not that risky) procedures in addition to the STRESS OF BEING PREGNANT.  Again, I ask you why would any intelligent person want to pursue this then? 

   I know we just do.  I need to hold my child in my arms .... I need to show her to my parents, I need her to prove once and for all that I beat cancer, I need to be a functioning human being and create something good for the world.  Does that make sense?  Maybe I guess.
   So here we go....
   In this busy week, we had an appointment with a reproductive specialist for a consultation on our options.  The doctor was professional, courteous and kind but let me tell you, if I wasn't nervous before, I am now.  Lets just say that if we successfully have a child, there will be no doubt that we wanted him or her.  It is medically feasible and even (gasp) financially possible (for now...) so it appears that we are a go.
   Well almost .... we promised each other that we would have a romantic honeymoon/end of cancer vacation before taking this next life stage step.  As such, next time I write will be from Costa Rica...

see you soon folks and wish us luck (or pray for us if you'd like)
Love Zach